Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I took a day off. I'd call it a mental health day, but for the needs of my mental health in that loonie bin, it's more like a mental health moment.

I've got a TON to do today ... wish me luck!

Raggedy Ann

Raggedy Ann

I’m pretty sure that it had to be invented in a lab somewhere by mixing alien saliva, Smurf blood, and ecstasy.

THIS LINE made me snort coffee out my nose. I respect someone who can string together words to so adeptly describe something. BRILLIANT.

This site GETS me through the work day ... OFTEN. If they every block it from work, I will likely go postal!

Hurry up and waaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt!

It's been the week from hell. Trying to find the information to deliver the information requested by the client is like trying to find the holy grail. What LBM and lil bro don't tell me is that between the two of them ... THEY HAVE THE INFORMATION!!!!! Phuckers, I've been data mining all week, when if they'd shared (and they BOTH knew I was looking for it) I coulda save a whole WHACK of time ... *sigh*

So, the information has to be delivered to the customer tomorrow. I've busted my butt all week compiling and verifying the information and I'm actually pretty please with it. We're in good shape. We have the right information, the right offering and the right pricing ...

Now ... how many times do you think I'll have to redo the work and change it again before LBM finally allows me to deliver THIS information? I've learned, so I'll save everything I've done in a file then make copies. Spend the day messing with the information, changing it 100 times until he finally says I had it right the first time. Then I'll pull out the original files and we'll send it.

That's if he shows up. He buggered off for most of the day today ... I don't know where he was. Which was a good thing all in all. Allowed me to sneak out for a job interview. Nothing will come of it, but it was a good ego boost to make it to that round and discover where some of my old coworkers ended up!

It's becoming a pattern ...

A quiet Sunday night at the zoo and the same old stupidity at work over and over again ... *sigh*

So, this past week I had to put together the annual presentation (recap / money grab) for our biggest (and almost only) client. I was instructed to insure that our presentation looked like our sister company's presentation ... that wasn't difficult when the director of marketing (I still can't believe that's his title) pretty much plagiarized my work as his own ... OK boss, they look alike.

I looked at the sister company and they had a dozen people putting theirs together .... Marketing Managers, Product Development people, Business Analyst, etc. etc. etc. .... and then there was me! That's right folks, I wear MANY hats because THEY MAKE ME.

I think lil bro should have written it ... wouldn't it be fun to watch LBM deliver a frivolous presentation??!?!?!?

Laying bets

I'm wondering what the book makers in Vegas would place the odds at getting annual bonuses this year. Honestly, the bonuses are random, don't seem to be connected to performance in any way shape or form, or even be connected to how the business is preforming.

Last year our bonuses were barely worth the cheques they were printed on. I figured, okay, if it means forgoing decent bonuses to save jobs I can live with that .... then the layoffs came, in force.

This year has not been a major growth year, but when you look at sales / profitability to the reduction in capitol spending, we're actually doing okay. I'm also assuming that since the company is buying a plane and the executives are taking flying lessons, things are "okay".

Of course, I'm laying odds that "the economy" will decimate our bonuses again.

A motivational talk …. LBM Style

Hey, Rant Woman … it’s been a while, have things finally improved at your office? Perhaps LBM was out on management courses … ?

*snickers* nope, he was just saving up for a good one.

LBM is calling people in the other divisions and making stupid and lazy requests. Information he has access too but “he’s the boss” so he’ll just call up the minions and make them do it. How do I know this? Because they’re all coming bytching to me … I know, welcome to my world. So … clue one … he’s NOT in a good mood.

He hauls me and PCW (poor coworker) into his office. He proceeds to REAM me out for not knowing information that he didn’t tell me … DAMN my complete lack of mind reading abilities … it’s SO going to get me fired one day. Within the space of 40 minutes he manages to call PCW and I “Stupid”, “Lazy” and lets us know our jobs are at risk. Ahhhhhh he’s on a roll.

After he’s done venting, he notices the time and says “looks like you missed lunch”. *sigh* …

That’s bad right? Oh wait … it gets better.

4:50pm (work day ends at 5:00 … or as I learned today, it doesn’t he just stops paying us then) …. He calls me and tells me he wants “ALL” the documentation that we’ve delivered to client XYZ … Great, I'm so happy he motivated me to work so hard. Yes, I stayed until it was all done.

Ya, I got out late, and now I’m going to have to stop on the way in to get additional information, for work, but you KNOW I’m going to be docked for it.

*sigh*

*sigh*

I don't want my avid readers to think I've changed jobs, or that LBM and the band of loonies have suddenly morphed into reasonable professionals ... because that would be soooooooo far from the truth.

I'm tired, I'm sick, and it costs me a vacation day every time I want to see the doctor ... who said we have free health care?

Special Math ... Time Clocks

My weekly pay cheque is recorded in hours. Most companies operate like that. The difference here is that they'll dock you ... whenever they can.

I open up my pay stub this week and notice that I was paid for 79.5 hours. Really? Somewhere along the line they decided to dock me for 30 minutes? Fer Fux Sakes.

I go to lil bro "what did you submit in the last pay period?"

lil bro "80 hours"

I go to payroll, and he pulls out the sheet that lil bro submitted "79.5 hours, got docked 30 minutes on a random Tuesday" ... really?

Go BACK to lil bro and as him to pull up his sent email ... yup 79.5 hours.

lil bro has "no ideas".

I go through my emails for that Thursday. Apparently I left at 4:50 (10 minutes early) to attend my son's VERY FIRST parent / teacher night. Ohhhh nice rounding, I'm surprised they didn't dock me half a day.

I emailed LBM ... he says "he'll take care of fixing it". lil bro was just drunk with power ... doing the time keeping and all .... of course LBM decided to fix it, he didn't want to pay me for the 5 hours I worked from home the following Monday.

I need a NEW / REAL job!!!!!

Calling a Spade ..

So, this morning I get up early, manage the zoo (aka the house) and head off on my adventure. Fortunately traffic wasn't bad, and I had good music to keep me company.

Once again, I managed to get lost in upstate New York (it wouldn't be ME there if I didn't).

I visited three of the locations I needed too, made the purchases, got the information, took a TON of pictures, it was a good trip.

I didn't get the Coach bag ... but let me introduce you to my BEAUTIFUL new Kate Spade (with the matching wallet) BOOYAH!!!!

AAAAAAAAND, the other division at the office today had a CRAZY day. It wouldn't have been surprising it the least if what had happened ... had come from LBM ... I think crazy is in the water there!

An effective use of my time ...

So, lil bro and I get called in for a recap meeting with LBM. Apparently the meeting the day before with the client went VERY well, and now we have to PUSH to deliver the program. Insane, unreasonable, completely inachievable time lines ... it's what we do!

LBM " I want you to get in your car and DRIVE to the closest XXXX location, to find out what they're currently carrying"

Me "You realize that we're talking about XXXX City, and that's 2.5 hours drive each WAY"

LBM "Yes, this is important and I want you to do it right away"

Me "ok"

In all reality I can CALL that location and have the answer in the matter of minutes, but I could use a day out of the loony bin, and there IS that Coach outlet near that place ... hmmmm

ROAD TRIP!

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It was a good day. LBM was out of town and lil bro buggered off early (because LBM was out of town).

You'd think I'd be asleep by now ... but mai non mais ami. Je t'adore!

Toothpicks in my eyes

Well I bet your thinking ... hey Rant Woman, your week started well, you didn't blog about work ... that's cuz I was too busy WORKING.

Typically I don't see this hour of night unless I'm drinking and dancing, but here I sit, on the sofa developing THOUSAND of pricing variables that I'm certain will NOT be looked at but were ORDERED by LBM. I've just spent the past 5 hours of MY TIME doing spreadsheet after spreadsheet over what I'm pretty certain was an error.

LBM "I want you to do the client forms with the revised numbers based on the 42 metric".

Me "ummm the clients form were based off constants, therefore, the variable we've been working with isn't relevant".

LBM "oh .. umm ... we'll I'll need to review the options"

Me *sigh* "which of the multipliers on the 42 factor?"

LMB "All of them".

Quick math - 3 finishes, by 4 delivered variables, by 35 items, by various metrics ... even I've lost count of how many I've done.

This was at 4:30 this afternoon. He doesn't really "need" this information for the meeting tomorrow, but he wants it. So here I sit, almost 2 hours after my bedtime finishing up the "waste of time" spreadsheets.

Before leaving a coworker asks "are you working late tonight?"

Me "yep, but I'm going to take the laptop home and do it there. I either don't get paid and stay late here and do it, or don't get paid and go home and drink wine and do it". I'm pretty sure there's an HR policy somewhere that wouldn't enable me to sit at my desk in the office drinking wine and wearing my jammies.

*cheers*

The week ended as it usually would!

So by now, since I didn’t post on Friday, you’re thinking , yay Rant Woman, you had a good day at the office! Ohhhh ye of little faith. I’ve just been busy. Now that it’s Sunday morning, I can catch you up with my Friday of fun.

LBM calls me into his office in the early morning. He’s already got his “pissed off mode” in full speed, so I know this isn’t going to be fun.


LBM “I need you to develop some new pricing templates”

Me “ok”

LBM” I need the three different scenarios we’ve been with these four different shipping models in the three different formats”

Me” so you need 36 new pricing models”

LBM” No, that’s not what I said, I need 4”

*sigh* I do the math for him (knowing he ran out of fingers and toes to do the math himself) and he agrees there are 36 pricing models.

LBM “So I need the pricing done delivered to location A, location B, location C and pick up”

Me “if you can provide me with those locations I can get working on this”

LBM “I don’t have that yet”

Me “I can’t provide you with delivered costing information if I don’t know the delivery location”

LBM (getting visibly mad) “you drive me crazy when you’re like this”

Me (thinking) logical, sane, intelligent … oh he means lacking in magical powers.

LBM just build the templates so we can put that information in when we have it.

Me “ok”


Yep, this position really could call for a hard liquor drip. The one good thing about Friday was … for some reason ALL of the executives left by 3:00ish … which meant LBM left by 3:15 and I was able to go home at a reasonable time.

I’m rather proud that my lack of mind reading abilities frustrates him. I don’t want to read his mind, I’m sure it’s a dark and scary place!

Marketing 101

Because I just don't have enough to do in the course of a day, LBM's brother decides to "step up to the plate" and do some of the marketing. Marketing is MY area, LBM's bro is project management ... dude, just tell people what to do and leave the thinking to others. Here's why ....

LBM sends out an email to both his brother and I, asking us to follow up with a client. lil bro sends this email ....


I think we should product XYZ.

What do you think of this for text?

“The Product XYZ collection maintains a luxurious ambiance in the bathroom to help create a sense of retreat. The frivolous amount of time, care and effort that went into creating this collection was well worth it. From the XXX detail cast into the hardware to the beautiful XXX finish, this xxxx collection is sure to make your bathroom shine.”

Let me know and I will submit this with the images required.

*sigh* really? You want to tell the customer how we frivolously spend our time?

Needless to say, the text was edited prior to going to the client ... I'm considering installing a wine rack in my file cabinet!

A Dilbert Cartoon would be a promotion ...

I've said it a thousand times, a Dilbert Cartoon would be an improvement over the place I work. Another episode today, typically it would drive me insane ... now it's gone further ... it's driven me TO BLOG!

I refer to my boss as LBM (Lunatic Boss Man) it describes him to a tee. Here's just what happened today ...

So, we have this BIG meeting tomorrow with a relatively new client. We were given direction Friday afternoon (yep, just this past one) on what to do. LBM then books a meeting for 2:30 today to review where we're at, you know so we can work late to get everything done. Ohhhh ... and apparently he's taking the morning off because he'll be working late tonight ...

So, in a pre-emptive strike, I drop the presentation on his desk on my way out last night so I could at least begin to redo it this morning. Man, he doesn't fail to deliver. I get in, my presentation is sitting on my chair with "This SUCKS" on it.

Can I start drinking now?

Rant for today:
DON'T tell me I can't take constructive criticism ... you're NOT constructive, you're MEAN!